Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
