paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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