Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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