walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
