I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
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