i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
