Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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