Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
