i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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