yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
