The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
