Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
