how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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