Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Randomize
