I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
