forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
ugly people sure do ruin things
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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