YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
