I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
