since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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