I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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