I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
