the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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