bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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