just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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