she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
