Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
