Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize