Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
