dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
