she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize