Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
