Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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