Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
