so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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