Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
