If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
