take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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