I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
did i walk over a car last night?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
