my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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