you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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