Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
It's never too late to be topless.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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