Already got asked if we're dating
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
