i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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