textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Boobs are out for the taking
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
