Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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