Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize