no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
