If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
