You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
