R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
