You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Randomize
