I feel great
I just peed on a car
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
