i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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