I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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