my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
