I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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