I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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