The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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