I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
