I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
