Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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